The McCain campaign has broken through a heretofore impenetrable barrier in quantum physics, experimentally proving the existence of unseen dimensions and, in the process, setting three of its surrogates on a pathway towards winning the 2009 Nobel Prize in the physical sciences.
Gov. Sarah Palin, campaigning, she said, in "real America," which apparently includes part of North Carolina, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, calling for a media investigation to determine whether Americans are real or not, and today, McCain all-around best surrogate Nancy Pfotenhauer (pronounced -- Foe-Ten-How-er, like proton power), said that parts of the state of Virginia, heretofore universally assumed to be in America, were not, in fact, in the country.
Now -- the Mainstream Media, typically clueless, has interpreted these remarks conventionally -- classically, you might say, as if we live in an Eisteinian universe with three dimensions of space and a quasi-dimension of time: either these women were summoning their inner Nixonian cultural warriors, or they were untethered from reality.
But three utterances of this nature for me lead to an entirely more edifying possibility: that Palin, Bachmann and Pfotenhauer were making a radical new claim about the fundamental forces and constants that compose the background of our universe.
For decades, theoretical physicists have sought to unify the theory of gravity with standard particle model of physics. So far, no dice. The dominant but by no means proven theory is popularly referred to as Superstring theory, or M theory, or some variant. No need to go into the details here. Crucially, though, some of the leading variants of string theory presuppose a universe of ten spacial dimensions plus time.
We cannot rule out the possibility that Palin, Bachmann and Pftoenhauer -- let's call them PBP for short -- are somehow about to perceive these extra dimensions, and that there is something fundamental about their physical constitutions that makes such perceptions unavailable to most everyone else.
Some String theorists think these extra dimensions are tiny -- they're no greater than the Planck length, which is 1.6 × 10−35 m. (These dimensions are called Calabi-Yau manifolds.)
But the new dimensions in the PBP conjecture are huge -- as large as entire counties. Think of our familiar space as consisting of three dimensions -- X, Y, Z. Let's call these new dimensions G,O, and P. It's very very hard to even think about the possibility of more dimensions; our brains don't seem to be wired for it. Perhaps P,B,P have evolved an astonishing new capacity.
Now, in order to "see" a new dimension, we'd have to come up with some
coherent theory of how our eyes process the photons. Some physicists
are working on a theory that holds that, in certain conditions --
perhaps times of great national peril -- the speed of light is not
constant. It is possible that P,B,P have, in their retinas, special
photoreceptors that are capable of translating projections from extra
dimensions into familiar, three-dimensional objects.
If you think that's special, then think about this. Pfotenhauer said
that she lives in a place called Oakton, Va. Oakton is located in
Fairfax County. Pfotenhauer implied that the country was part of "real
America" because it was open to the possibility of electing John
McCain. Here's the problem: Fairfax County, like its neighbors, are in
the process of turning colors. (We can detect this with a special
version of a mass spectrometer called a "ballot box.")
So what Pfotenhauer, by locating "real America" in the middle of an
expansion of "unreal America" -- has given us more evidence yet that
"unreal America" is expanding. Perhaps unreal America is a like a
bubble in Alan Guth's Inflationary Universe Hypothesis, one that, when
it envelopes "real America" will tear apart. (That would explain the
fear in the voices of P,B and P.)
In any event, all of this must be exciting for cosmologists and physicists everywhere.
The rest of the world -- most Republicans, Democrats, independents,
children, dogs and the media -- cannot do justice to this new theory
yet. Our reality -- 50 states -- and then, at a great magnification,
people of all shapes, sizes, ideologies and...spins... is about to be
upended.
*- I've made a hash of the physics here. But poetic license seems to be the order of the election.
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» The McCain Campaign: "Real Americans, Represent!" from Buck Naked Politics Comments (71)
Oh, Mr. Ambinder. You funny, funny man. Kudos galore, sir. Yet another reason this is the best political blog on the internets. Now disable comments, quickly! Before you are beset by trolls. 
I agree, I laughed so hard that my sides still hurt.
Actually your physics isn't too far off - considering that you are referring to String Theory - which is a bit thin on the experimental evidence side. Could this entire Alternate Reality hypothesis be ascribed to a psychological/physics phenomenon? Insane in the M-Brane, perhaps?
I'm not a fan of yours Marc Ambinder, but I gotta to give you a tip of the hat for that one. PBP have all officially jumped the shark and have taken McCain's deplorable campaign trailing in their despicable wake
I assume you did the same sort of analysis for John Edwards' "Two Americas" song and dance?
And this is why I continue to read this blog every day. Props.
I'm not a fan of yours Marc Ambinder, but I gotta to give you a tip of the hat for that one. I second that motion.
Do you think Gov. Palin's visit to Roswell, New Mexico might be an attempt to re-start the PBP's research into time travel? Last time they were thwarted when the uranium deal they sought from Libyan terrorists (with Christopher "Doc" Lloyd and his faithful dog Einstein serving as middleman/dog) fell through due to restrictions imposed by legislation enacted by Sens. Lugar (R-Real America) and Obama (D-Unreal America)....
Hahahaha!! Thanks for the laugh Ambers.
Bravo. This is one of the best pieces I have read in a long time!!!!
Oh, this is too funny. (It's also definitive proof that the Governor of Alaska is clinically delusional and needs psychiatric help.) What will they do on Nov. 4? Claim an alternate-universe victory?
Marc, After reading your classic commentary, i can't but subscribe to your magazine. Your commentary close the deal today. You and Andrew Sullivan are one hell of a gem.
I can't quite figure you out Marc. My best evaluation is that you're a brilliant witty dude stuck in the body of a serious tire swinger. Really though, that was pretty awesome.
I agree with everyone here. This is excellent. I was starting to wonder if I still lived in the US. By PBP's standards, I am surely left out of their matrix.
The rest of the world -- most Republicans, Democrats, independents, children, dogs and the media -- cannot do justice to this new theory yet. I wouldn't rule out dogs. They may not be reacting to the real American dimensions because those dimensions do not appear to contain milkbones. And cats! You know how they'll randomly stare at a point on the wall? They're seeing real America! I reject your reality and substitute my own! And you did pretty well with the physics. I greatly enjoy these posts in which Marc just gets fed up with the BS poured over his head and transforms it into poetic satire.
Thanks Mr. Ambinder-- I needed a post like this to make me laugh at the Macarthy-ite ramblings coming from the McCain campaign...bravo.
Just remember that this expansion of unreality is all Obama's fault. If he had agreed to a dozen townhall meetings ...
The McCamp may as well stake their claim on certain of these 57 states as the real America. It gives folks who live there something new to cling to after the amalgamated leftist, unionists and socialists assemble a caretaker government starting on January 20. Those who follow the example of (Samuel) Joe the Plumber will certainly be looking for refuge in the wilds of the Alaskan tropical savanna (see AGW dogma).
Well done Ambinder.
Bravo, Professor Ambinder! As I lack the awesome understanding of PBP, maybe you can help me out with this: As an Anti-American living in Non-Real Virginia, do I exist? Am I a figment of my own imagination? Does it matter that I was born in Real Virginia? Or does my parents' Anti-Americaness negate their Real Virginianess (Virginity?), thus negating my existence as well?
Ambinder, Funny enough to make a lurker post. One thing though....the ballot box may act as a mass spectrophotometer, but probably not a mass spectrometer. Unless the ballot box also identifies new compounds found in G,O,P space....:)
We of course need to recognize that Quantum uncertainty does in fact allow one to exist in a simultaneous state of "American" and "UnAmerican" with the probabilty of either being realized at any given moment correlating closely with the daily Gallup tracking poll. We leave speculation on what happens when Americans and Anti-Americans come into spatial proximity as an exercise for the reader.
Minor nitpick: "Mass spectrometer" should be "photomultiplier" (if you want to measure the frequency of light). But nicely done...
I will sending it to all of my physicists friends.
Marc,
Further investigation makes it appear the the real dimensions and unreal dimensions have a fractal boundary, since investigation of previous experiments have shown large numbers of voting precincts are partially real and partially unreal. It seems fuzzy logic might be applicable here, and it may be that this is the source of the central insights of P,B,P, as their logic appears to be quite fuzzy indeed.
wow. I am by no means your biggest fan, and I have said so. but as someone who studies theoretical astrophysics, you made my week.
@Michael S In my experience, it's the particle physicists that know where to find the good stuff.
Just remember that this expansion of unreality is all Obama's fault. If he had agreed to a dozen townhall meetings ... In G, O, P space those dozen townhall meetings would take place in a dozen townhalls in a dozen "real American" towns . . . at the same time!!! I suppose that we'll have to open Schrodinger's box on Nov. 4th and collapse the wave form . . .
HAHAHA AMBINDER YOU ARE THE BEST I JUST HIGH-FIVED MYSELF
Sanjeev Narang is right. We cannot lose sight of that fundamental fact.
This new physics will extend to election day and the ballot box/flash drive. Votes cast by residents of "Real America" have a positive charge, votes cast by residents of "Unreal America" have a negative charge. Thus, McCain will win the Real election, and Obama will have the most negative votes in the Unreal election, so whatever happens on Jan 20, 2009, McCain is the Real President.
Considering the implications of PBP for Quantum Physics: ...most Republicans, Democrats, independents, children, dogs and the media... It's too bad you left out cats. Cats are important, I think. Especially one cat, in particular. He's famous in physics circles, but I won't use his real name here because it sounds European and I'd have to type in one of those funny 'o's with the dots on top. That's a sure sign of being an Unreal American. Instead, I'll call him "Joe the Cat." Physicists have fantasized for decades about sticking Joe the Cat in a box with some nasty gas. Remember, these people are part of Academia, and thus almost necessarily Unreal Americans themselves. Most of them are not named Joe. Anyway, no doubt as a symptom of their tenure in Unreal America, these physicists have long speculated about whether, after a certain period of time, Joe would be alive or dead or somehow both. I suspect that the true breakthrough of the PBP Hypothesis lies in its ability to predict exactly who will be able to tell what happens to poor Joe. Real Americans will inevitably see either a live Joe or a dead Joe. Joe is either with us, or he's -not. Those "other" Americans, by contrast, will see a Joe that is somehow both alive and dead at the same time. They might even start calling him Samuel. Unreal, right? Obviously, Joe's fate hangs in the balance on November 4th. Sure, if Real America triumphs, he may well end up dead. But if Unreal America wins out, poor Joe will find himself in some weird undead state. As we've all learned by now, once Joe the Zombie has been unleashed, it's rather hard to put him back in his box. Won't someone think of Joe?
Great stuff Marc - I'm back on deck!
Uh ... Being an old school sort I can only say Hurrah Huzzah Ambinder.
Well happy Saturday to you too, mister sarcastic!
I can't believe this. I haven't cackled like this in days. I mean, what's really funny is that these hyper-academic allusions bespeak the ignorance that is being proudly promulgated on the McCain/Palin side. The levels of humor here are awesomely tactful. Thank you for a long chuckle.
Alarming news: The alternate universe of Antiamerica is apparently expanding. I've just returned from an evening in the heart of what Nancy Pfotenhauer would describe as "real" Virginia. Driving along country roads, I saw Obama yard signs, standing upright and without bullet holes in them. Before long, Pfotenhauer may find that real Virginia begins somewhere south of Wilson, NC.
I assume you did the same sort of analysis for John Edwards' "Two Americas" song and dance? This was the precise moment I knew the GOP had blown this election harder than a windtunnel on some Saharan steppe somewhere. Seriously: this all they have left. Snark too weak too be called such. Limp-wristed McCarthyist "attacks" and straight-up racism. Good luck with that strategy in the 21st Century, dudes. Because you'll need it.
Their message to those of us that don't believe in their exclusion principles: "Get a life bosans!"
As an aspiring string theorist whose life is being ruined by the Atlantic (the bloggers are eating up my days with their piercing commentary), I'm glad to see Marc spend at least some time in my playground. (The physics is close enough.)
Great theory...but you left out the part about PBP's mouths being black holes where all that matters is destroyed.
Yeah, Obama's crowds of 100,000 and 75,000 in Missouri today were clearly a mirage.
This is all very Lovecraftian in nature, which may explain why people who see into another reality may be insane...
Actually, it's all a setup by Carleton Cuse and Damon Lindelof for the next season of Lost. See, we're going to find out with all the island time- and space-travel and negative mass matter stuff that not only the island changed position and Ben changed time, but McCain got elected in an alternate time-line, which is why all the main characters want to high-tail it back to the here-now-gone-yesterday island. All this stuff Bachmann, Ptofenhauer, and Palin are all just pre-scripted mind-games by the Lindelhof gang.
Reality bends in: "Pfotenhauer said that she lives in a place called Oakton, Va. Oakton is located in Fairfax County. Pfotenhauer implied that *the country* was part of "real America" because it was open to the possibility of electing John McCain." Please tell me "the country" needs a "sic" after it.
Wow, this is too funny. Perhaps they should hire the U of C physics prof that just won a nobel prize to be the campaign's spin adviser. http://demockracy.com/voter-fraud-is-a-fraud/
Thanks for making me litteraly "Laugh Out Loud".
Marc, I will never, ever, say another bad word about you. You are the man. You are beyond the man. Excellence itself.
Marc, great stuff!!! If Palin is in Roswell today is she going to try and find the X-Files?? Did they make a special tin foil hat to fit her bouffant?? Or visit the Alien museum or Area 51. If any place would be a test for your new theory Roswell would have to be.
There's clearly a spin state variation here from "Real" to "Unreal" America.... or is it just susceptability of the States to GOP Spin?
Indeed, Wolfgang Pauli, in a feat of time travel, anticipated the GOP strategery in this election: "It's so bad it's not even wrong."
It surely took several cans of PBR to hash out the theory of PBP.
Reality-based folks who want to check out unreality may be able to do so next year when the Bachmann-Palin Uberdrive is finally unveiled by the Heritage Foundation. But I wouldn't recommend it. Once you've been whacked, you might never come back.
So now you're doing comedy? An impressive debut!
This was really wonderful. Slam dunk.
You know Marc, I don't usually read your work. But this is certainly a classic. You just earned yourself a bookmark. Bravo!
"Indeed, Wolfgang Pauli, in a feat of time travel, anticipated the GOP strategery in this election: "It's so bad it's not even wrong."" Many people are aware of the Pauli Exclusion Principle, but not so many are aware of the Pauli Effect. The Pauli Effect holds that if Wolfgang Pauli came near your experiment, the most expensive piece of equipment will catastrophically fail and destroy all of your data. There was a time when that effect was more widely accepted.
An alternative theory is the Republican Sunset Effect. By slinging mud at their opponent, the McCain campaign and surrogates saturate the political atmosphere with dust and soot particles of name calling, which particles (similar to the red-orange skies at sunset) scatter and enhance the red component of the declining public enthusiasm :)
Herr Professor Doktor Ambidner, I was surprised to see the extent of your mainstream readership. Personally, I have given up on this narrow, partisan contest and am voting for the independent candidate, David Bohm. We are the only ones to have the vision to see the "real" America. And, although we are somewhat behind in the polls, I would like to point out that we have the endorsement of former secretary of state-space, Adolph Hussein Einstein, and the famous pollster Erwin Schroedinger (sans cat, who, in its Cheshire-like existence, has endorsed Joe Biden). By the way, I notice that your supporters have been palling around with the infamous Copenhagen five -- we need to know more about that before our monetary wave function collapses.
Speaking of poetic license, Cosmic John's posse of lady quantum physicists is pretty funny, but I see these women in Shakespearean terms -- say, MacBeth's three witches cooking up the "bubble, bubble, toil & trouble." Those who drink their brew may be mesmerized, but I haven't taken a sip, & I'm not moved by their omens. Marc's blog is featured on www.RealityChex.com.
Hilarious, but how much dope did you smoke before you wrote this post?
This post deserves the Nobel Prize in Snark.
The use of physics in this post is a clear example of the east-coast elite mentality. Real Americans don't believe in physics except when the physics is needed for nuclear power and destroying our enemies. All right-thinking Americans know that there is a profound spiritual difference between the American parts of America, which are districts of Heaven, and UnAmerican parts of America, which are districts of Hell. Our Heavenly counties are sometimes beset by demonic temptations, which is where we need good exorcists. Clear and obvious to all good Americans of faith.
I, too was laughing at McCain and Palin, until a strange idea hit me. When it hit, I had a surreal moment, like watching on TV the twin towers collapsing. What if Al Qaeda is just about to put their man in the white house? Yes. You might want to think this through and check out some of the many many facts freely available on the net, unless you are an Al Qaeda supporter, yourself. Yes. Obama is a Trojan Horse for Al Qaeda. That is the worst possible scenario, but it could be exactly what is happening. There are so many utterly surreal things going on, that McCain's not seeming like a super prodigy may be the least of our worries. Of course, if Obama is Al Qaeda, he will be very polished and quiet and do nothing to show it --until it is the right moment. So wake up and smell the coffee!
Let me add, that if Obama is Al Qaeda's man, and if Obama is voted president by the kindly, well-meaning, not too sharp or attuned American people, he will take office quietly and do nothing whatever to arouse suspicion. Then lots of strange things will suddenly occur --when the Muslim world is ready for them and that will be the end of the free world. It sounds wierd, doesn't it? Yet the press will not allow us to ask why Obama spent twenty years with a rabidly anti-white priest and why he had many connections with Islam and many strange travels. What happens in a democracy when you make a mistake and put into office a terrorist organization?
Credit where it's due...this was some quality sarcasm.
This is funny. I can't stop laughing and crying at the same time.
YOU are hillarious. I expect to see some of this on Olberman tonight!
Nice. I hope things work out, but don't neglect William Shirer's books - humor is helpful in disarming the mouth-frothers, but it can also make you take them less seriously than you should, at your peril. McCain and especially Palin are doing a classic rabble-rousing campaign, and to expect that level of visceral hate and fear to simply evaporate after the election is over-optimistic. There's already enough self-pity in the mix to make it dangerously self-sustaining. McVeigh, Nichols and their pals came from just that group, and McCain must know that.
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This is officially the funniest thing I have read this year.
Posted by Abhinav | October 18, 2008 8:17 PM